I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
This is not me but this is me
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*