When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.