My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor