I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.