My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?