My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question