That was easy.
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no