Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
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i would wish you the best but i am the best
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.