When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
You Might Also Like
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Watermelon Boss!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
work smarter, not harder
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
A friend helps you before you need it
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?