When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters