Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
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I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[eulogy]
line?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
That lamp looks PISSED.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?