Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
🦝🔥🦝🔥
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.