Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Here’s a meme
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”