I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.