Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?