the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.