Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Ain’t no way
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn