ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.