me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
uncle dave has been through hell
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.