[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*