[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.