Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.