just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Good dog. ❤️
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
