just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?


*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape


Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.


{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!


People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.


Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F

Can I still get a MBA?


*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.