just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*Seductively hides in the woods
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house