Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
nyc:
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?