Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Match dot com, but for socks.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.