me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Oh hi lol
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.