Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.