I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”