My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
FRED: right
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.