A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I think the cat got the dog high.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!