My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
This is true.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
There’s always that one guy
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
🔦🌙👣
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you