You are what you delete.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
a lot to unpack here
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door