Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>