He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Otters drive ottermobiles.