until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
You can’t rush stupid.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.