I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..