Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid