me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ok like just. call me at this point
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.