me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for