When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
classic mixup
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.