A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
You Might Also Like
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom