So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
You Might Also Like
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Pandas 🐼🖤
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Art by Pastelkatto
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.