fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.