We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
THE AUDACITY. 😤
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit