The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese