“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Had to try this trend 😊
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.