The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
This is me 🤣🤣
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.