@Chhapiness

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

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@EndhooS

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@RiotGrlErin

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

@lamaspicosa

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

@Smug_Lemur

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@girl_a_whirl

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@ericsshadow

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.