@EndhooS *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
@Chhapiness The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
You Might Also Like
@EndhooS 
@RobDenBleyker In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
@pleasingnesss How animals would run if they were human
@RiotGrlErin tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
@lamaspicosa Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
@Smug_Lemur Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
@JermHimselfish *takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
@girl_a_whirl The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
@Vice_Queen My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
@ericsshadow Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.