@DeanB15 I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
@Chhapiness The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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@DeanB15 
@ObscureGent [moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
@Tbone7219 If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
@Laser_Cat Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
@KeetPotato [babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
@Gre_Gone (scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
@Sorrowscopes Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
@Love_bug1016 Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
@KateWouldHaveIt All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
@SadMeterologist TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.