Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs