Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Oh thanks BBC.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity