You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
the icebreaker
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.