You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁